Elite universities are often believed to represent education's gold standard and to produce highly educated luminaries who rightfully take their places leading all the institutions that matter in societies across the world. We begin by explaining how this is so. Then we discuss what we call monster methodologies, suggesting why and how we employed them to disrupt the seductive appeal of elite universities. Deploying zombie, werewolf, and vampire metaphors, we identify various ways that elite universities are monstrous and the kinds of student monsters that they produce, honour, harbour, and reject. Exploring the zombie culture of elite universities in the Global North, we highlight how the monstrous dynamics of perfectionism place unhuman demands on many students which lead to them becoming the walking dead. Next, we examine the werewolf identities of elite universities and highlight the ongoing dialectical interchange between their highly reputable public and deeply disreputable private abodes. We also acknowledge the magnificent student monsters who challenge these monstrous institutions. We then turn to the Global South and South African elite universities. Illuminating the ways they are infused with the remains of the monstrous alliance between capitalism, colonialism, and apartheid, we analyse the vampire curriculum that sucks the strength, vigour, and energy from students. And we show how students have sought to become vampire slayers. Overall, we illustrate the merits of deploying monsters to disrupt the allure and expose the injurious practices of elite universities.