This paper reports the findings from a small-scale collaborative autoethnographic study of two teacher educators' experience of leading Initial Teacher Training (ITT) programmes at a Higher Education Institution (HEI) in England during the COVID-19 pandemic. Data were collected via narrative conversations between the two teacher educators such that they could 'pool their stories'. The findings suggest that during a time of unprecedented change, the teacher educators had contradictory experiences associated with two contrasting leadership approaches. The data reflects the impact of being immersed in an ITT programme governed by the statutory requirements of the Department for Education (DfE) in England, whilst also being part of a HEI. The authors examine what it feels like for teacher educators as they are torn between contrasting leadership approaches and discuss the potential of autonomy-supportive leadership approaches to support the achievement of agencies, particularly when decisions and actions require swift and careful attention.